Dienstag, 25. August 2009

in the beginning....

Do you still remember when you been in love for the very first time? I am not talking about having a crush on someone but actually being in love...I still do. I was 17 years old and he was my very first love. Until the day I met him I didnt even know what being in love meant.Of course at that age all my friends talked about it and everyone had their boyfriends and their first experiences with love but I was always more the "outsider" when it came to that topic. Yes I wanted a boyfriend, yes I wanted to tell my friends about kisses and yeah sex too I guess...but I just never had the feeling of having the right male person in my life.Dont get me wrong, I DID kiss before the age of 17 and I guess I did break a few hearts but I never had that feeling of being in love...until i met him. He was 19 and I thought he was so cool with his nice black car and his baggy pants and all that...I had butterflies just thinking about him.Hearing his name was like magic to me.I met him through a mutual friend and it all started out with writing each other little silly notes...soon these notes turned into letters and phone calls. Everybody noticed that something unusual was going on with me... I was so happy and smiling all day long - I just felt like on cloud 9 even tho we werent even a couple yet.Then, one Friday night - YES I still remember that it was on a Friday - he asked me to go to this party with him. He was going to pick me up..Gosh was I nervous...It took me forever to chose what to wear...Now you have to know those were my "tomboy" times so I picked out a blue baggy pants and a white tight shirt that showed my belly button...Wow, I actually cant believe I used to wear stuff like that..Well back to that night...So he picked me up and we drove to that party..we didnt even go inside.We stayed outside talking talking talking..and then there was this magic moment. He looked at me with his blue eyes and I couldnt think neither talk...I thought "ok. that is it..he will kiss me now..OMG" but NOPE. someone had to interrupt us and destroy that situation..ugh...ok so we went to his place..a nice and clean room which i loved.we ate ice cream and talked until sunrise...I guess we both kinda fell asleep next to each other at one point.When i woke up I noticed that his hand was touching mine and omg i didnt want to let him know that I was up...and I guess he didnt want to let me know he was up either - but we only found that out months later.lol.His phone rang ... but he didnt answer it..he said good morning and kissed me..there it was.. this special moment..this kiss i been waiting for for so long.. it was amazing...from that day on there was not one day going by without us seeing each other. After about 3 months we were thinking about sex..well we were thinking about it before but we never did it..it was a huge deal to me because even tho i was "already" 17 I never had sex. I always wanted to wait for the right person, the right moment and YES with him it felt right. It happened on his birthday - no lie - and until this day I can truly say IT WAS AMAZING.You know how you often read about girls first time sex and they regret it or it wasnt special...I feel sorry for them. It IS something special and it should be perfect.. to me it was.
After another few months things changed and until today I still do not know what actually did change. I still remember that morning. He got up and made me breakfast and with smarties he wrote the words I LOVE YOU on the table...so cute..then it happend pretty fast..we got into a fight for something i dont even remember..he kicked me out..i never heard from him again. Of course I am at an age now where i know something must have been wrong otherwise this could have never happened but i swear i do not know WHAT was wrong - it all seemed perfect -maybe too perfect.
He broke my heart - he really did. I never felt so much pain in my life before - of course not - I have never been in love before.
He called me like half a year later just to see how i was doing but i couldnt talk to him. All i said was IM GOOD and hung up. Hearing his voice brought back all the pain he had caused.
Now, 12 years later, I can still say that i do NOT regret anything. This person showed me how it feels to be in love ..and the heartache it can bring with it.
Do I still think about him? yes from time to time - but with a smile on my face
Do I want to see him again? No.There is a time and season for everything and this was our time..our season..and it was beautiful....
I can look back and say I WAS IN LOVE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME

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